Love languages
How to apply the theory of love languages in everyday life?
Love is all you need, or so they say. We go through our lives interacting with many different people and mostly being in the dark about how those people perceive affection from the ones around them. In the book The 5 Love Languages, the author categorizes different ways of perceiving love into five buckets. There are words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time, and physical touch. While I cannot attest to the theory being true, I have noticed a useful mental pattern in different life areas to help communicate your appreciation for others.
The name “love languages” is a bit of a misnomer since the concept applies a lot more broadly than just romantic relationships. I would instead call the theory “modes of appreciation,” but it does not sound so catchy, so let’s stick to “love languages.” Everyone has their own ways of perceiving being appreciated, which applies to dating, friendships, and work. Just like when we might perceive being most loved when our partner tells us they love us, the same concept applies to work. It’s very likely that for the same person, the best way to show appreciation for their excellent work might be to announce in front of their colleagues what a fantastic job they did. Alternatively, if someone really values receiving flowers from their partner, they might feel most appreciated at work when they receive a bonus or raise. Being aware of this pattern helps us sense more appreciation from those around us and makes our intentions more evident to our friends when we are trying to show that we care about them.
If love languages are so essential to how we perceive other people interacting with us, where do they come from? It’s always a question of nature vs nurture, and in this instance, I have developed a small theory of my own that love languages are entirely nurture-based. More specifically, our dominant love languages are formed in early childhood based on how our parents showed us their love. It seems to hold true based on anecdotal evidence from my circle of friends. In my childhood and more-or-less until today, my parents have always shown me their love by doing small things for me when I needed them (also when I did not need them). Simple things include picking me up from the airport or always having my favorite drinks (Coke Zero, if you wondered) in the fridge whenever I return home. I do not remember any occasion when my dad would not have picked me up from the airport whenever I arrived, and my mom ensured all my favorite things were there when I got home. They seem trivial, but they affect us for the rest of our lives, so it’s better to be aware of them. Perhaps it’s time to ask yourself how your parents showed you their love in your childhood?
I have often wondered whether love languages change throughout your life. I have too little data to make any firm conclusions here, but the most significant service we can do is to be aware of the preferences of the people around us and make sure we are conscious of it when raising our children. Maybe it is not worth it to put your children through the same childhood trauma and never hug them or tell them you love them. It seems to be especially cruel in Nordic cultures, where people don’t tend to be very physically affectionate. Anyways, we often try to act in the opposite way of our parents, which is probably one area where such behavior might make sense. Especially if you felt you lacked specific modes of appreciation as a child. Telling your loved ones you love them is one of the most precious gifts you can give.
After all this theory, how can one apply this mental model? First, figure out your dominant love languages and compare how people around you are showing you their appreciation. In a work environment, people often have “how to work with me” documents, which should be a crucial part. Also, talking about love languages early with your partner helps avoid many unintended misunderstandings. Often, when we don’t feel appreciated in a relationship, it’s due to a mismatch of love languages and not due to a lack of care. The opposite is also crucial - how aware are you of the close people around you? Do you know your partner’s or best friend’s love language? The most common assumption people make (me included) is that people perceive love the same way you perceive love. Thus, if my dominant love language is acts of service, that’s also typically how I show people that I care. I have yet to develop a foolproof method to learn about other people’s love language when I meet them. Generally, people who read the love languages book are also thrilled to share theirs. So far, talking about it has yet to backfire. Such a small thing, yet so powerful. Let’s share our love with the world the way it understands.